PEBBLE
Life is not what it’s supposed to be. It is what it is.
The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.
~Virginia Satir, shared by Debra in Kenosha, WI
BOULDER
Frodo: ”I wish none of this would of happened.”
Gandalf: ”So do all that live to see such times;
but that is not for them to decide.
All we have to decide is what to do
with the time that is given to us.”
~JRR Tolkein, shared by Julie in Waukesha, WI
PONDER
Whenever life is unfolding in a way that we wish it wasn’t (work stuff, relationship stuff, world stuff, etc.) the first thing we have to deal with is our thoughts and feels about the fact that things aren’t the way we had been hoping they would unfold. Initial reactions in these situations can be quite similar to the various stages of coping with loss (denial, anger, depression, etc.). Why the commonality? Well, because there IS a loss…the loss of how we wished/thought things would go.
When I visit Cal Poly each fall to help welcome another batch of incoming students, I also get to spend some quality time with orientation leaders who are about to dive into an intense few days of orientation. They’ve spent countless hours over many months to plan and prep for few days that tend to be really long, really exciting, and really turbulent, too. One of my last-minute tips is an encouragement to accept the likelihood that lots of it won’t unfold exactly like they want it to. Since everything is moving so fast and there really isn’t time for extended grieving, I tell them to prepare for “a thousand tiny funerals”…brief moments when they can pause long enough to recognize and micro-grieve yet another loss of their ideal scenario. My hypothesis is that these brief pauses can allow them catch their breath and more quickly pivot to Plan B (C, D, E…..oh there are so many challenges and changes!).
If your current life includes some unexpected/unwelcome Stuff, remember that you won’t likely have much energy or creativity to execute an effective pivot until you’ve moved along in your grieving to the point that you can firmly accept that THIS is the reality you need to face and deal with. Getting stuck in a “I can’t believe this happening” is understandable, but it’s not particularly helpful at figuring out where you want to go next. Try pausing long enough for a tiny funeral, and see if that helps pave the way for a pivot.
Peace,
Paul
P.S. If you need extra help with a pivot you can also peek back at Ripples #1298.
